And so I'm back - from outer space.....

I'm revisiting my blog since Menomama's visit - I realise that I enjoyed being here & I missed you guys. Also I just got notice that my year of Pro account has just finished so I need to pay again...what a year already? I needed to decide whether it will be worth the money to pay again.

So I came back on here tonight and reread the whole darn lot. And what do I see? A whole lot of false starts, promise upon promises - I really am going to do it this time.....

Even my last post - this time it's for real - then nothing....

And what have I actually achieved in my year since I began the blog? I've done a lot of study, put myself through a lot of stress and ridicule in a gym training environment, and at the end of it all I haven't lost a single pound, nor gained a single scrap of fitness.

And this last week I've even applied for and taken a job back in an office, albeit for only 2 hours a week. Right back to what I was trying to escape from.

I could forgive anyone for giving up on me at this point - for writing my entire dream off as a complete failure. I know my hubby is losing the faith and I don't blame him. Some of my friends smile in a certain way when my fitness career comes up in conversation. I suspect that behind my back they think I'm seriously deluded.

And I have to admit at this point, that there's a substantial part of me that would go with the majority and write this whole project off too. It would be just too easy not to give in my final assignment, not to finally qualify and to give up my fitness quest and embrace my new 40-something status by making friends with my cuddly bits.

Except that there's one tiny bit deep inside that is till holding onto the dream. One little bit that holds it's head up high and says "I am no quitter! I can do this and I still want to do this"

I have to nurture this tiny seed over the winter, keep it warm and safe and allow it to blossom. The hugest trees are grown from tiny seeds like this one, I just have to be patient, tend it every day and watch it slowly grow.

Rereading the blog has been good for my soul - and I remember now, that's why I wrote it in the first place. It's reminded me of the fantastic enthusiasm I had when I started this quest - I can feel some of it stirring again as I sit here. So I will come back, and start all over again, one year older, one year wiser. I'll elaborate on the things I've learned in the coming blogs, and put together yet one more plan as to how I am going to do things differently this time.

I don't know if anyone will be interested in reading it again and again and again.... but I know that I still have to try...