I've decided to split my personality.

The two blogs I have here are fighting in my head. I don't want to write one, for fear of alienating readers of the other one.

This one, healthworx is all about fitness and me navel gazing and soul searching and reaching for my dream and potential new career. In my head its all a bit heavy really.

The other one corioboria, is where I want to get friendly with my new bloggity mates without getting too heavy or offending anyone.

Because the 2 blogs are mutually incompatible, I've been stuck, writing neither of them, for fear of upsetting readers of the other. I didn't even realise what was stopping me, until the solution presented itself to me on a plate.

My hosting package came up for renewal - and lookee here - a special offer to have free blogging software on it. Oooh I thought - I'll have a piece of that.

So I've decided to kick this blog out - the troublesome sibling - to my own webpage. If anyone from here wants to come and read it - its on

www.healthworx.co.uk/wordpress at the moment.

And with that well and truly moved out, I can write about the more trivial aspects of my life on corioboria, and not worry about any potential business contacts reading them.

I think I hit rock bottom yesterday, and I can already feel that things are beginning to turn the corner.

Yesterday afternoon I was at my wits end. The kids (at home, both sick) were driving me and each other barmy. I very nearly curled into a heap and cried.

Then once I got them to bed at night, I came on here and started blogging again. I reread all my past blogs and managed to get some perspective on everything. I could feel a small amount of the old zest for life and enthusiasm coming back.

Midway through last nights post my hubby came home - 9.30 - not bad compared to previous efforts. I finished the post and went down to chat to him, and we had our most friendly chat (and cuddle) in a long time.

After a couple of months of feeling alone in the wilderness this was a real relief. It reminded me that at the base of everything I have got a family set up that's firm as a rock, for which I'm truly grateful.

I got up with a new spring in my step this morning and went back to the gym. Suddenly I feel renewed.

And so I'm back - from outer space.....

I'm revisiting my blog since Menomama's visit - I realise that I enjoyed being here & I missed you guys. Also I just got notice that my year of Pro account has just finished so I need to pay again...what a year already? I needed to decide whether it will be worth the money to pay again.

So I came back on here tonight and reread the whole darn lot. And what do I see? A whole lot of false starts, promise upon promises - I really am going to do it this time.....

Even my last post - this time it's for real - then nothing....

And what have I actually achieved in my year since I began the blog? I've done a lot of study, put myself through a lot of stress and ridicule in a gym training environment, and at the end of it all I haven't lost a single pound, nor gained a single scrap of fitness.

And this last week I've even applied for and taken a job back in an office, albeit for only 2 hours a week. Right back to what I was trying to escape from.

I could forgive anyone for giving up on me at this point - for writing my entire dream off as a complete failure. I know my hubby is losing the faith and I don't blame him. Some of my friends smile in a certain way when my fitness career comes up in conversation. I suspect that behind my back they think I'm seriously deluded.

And I have to admit at this point, that there's a substantial part of me that would go with the majority and write this whole project off too. It would be just too easy not to give in my final assignment, not to finally qualify and to give up my fitness quest and embrace my new 40-something status by making friends with my cuddly bits.

Except that there's one tiny bit deep inside that is till holding onto the dream. One little bit that holds it's head up high and says "I am no quitter! I can do this and I still want to do this"

I have to nurture this tiny seed over the winter, keep it warm and safe and allow it to blossom. The hugest trees are grown from tiny seeds like this one, I just have to be patient, tend it every day and watch it slowly grow.

Rereading the blog has been good for my soul - and I remember now, that's why I wrote it in the first place. It's reminded me of the fantastic enthusiasm I had when I started this quest - I can feel some of it stirring again as I sit here. So I will come back, and start all over again, one year older, one year wiser. I'll elaborate on the things I've learned in the coming blogs, and put together yet one more plan as to how I am going to do things differently this time.

I don't know if anyone will be interested in reading it again and again and again.... but I know that I still have to try...

Another New Year, another new start....

I decided not to start on New Year's Day. So many resolutions get made on that day and broken before the week is out. I decided to give myself a weeks run-up - to put away the Christmas and new Year celebrations and get myself together again. So the new plan begins again in earnest on Monday.

I'm starting from the same place as usual - Christmas has just served to undo all the good from last year and take me back to the start again.

But this year has to be different. I'm planning to launch my business in September - giving people health and fitness advice. I've got an awful lot of good advice stored up already, and a whole lot more that I am paying good money to study over the course of the next few months.

So this is the year that I really have to follow my own advice and do it. Three stone (otherwise known as 42 pounds) have got to go.

My first course of study starts on friday - so ready, steady - GO!

OK I got back on the scales yesterday after my interesting few weeks, I've reset my ticker and I'm ready to set off again in the pursuit of health, fitness and general well=being.

Of course this week is probably not the most auspicious one to begin a weight loss campaign. For a start I am not well and need to concentrate on recovering my health before I can really get on track.

For a second I am just too busy, with some more random relative visits planned, and my son's second birthday party to organise on Saturday.

But if I don't start again now, I may never start again. And my weight may creep back up into the zone where this ticker would be neagative. And I have promised myself I am never going there again....

So I propose a gentle start this week. There will be no scheduled exercise - I'm too sick and I haven't got time. I am making a faithful promise that I will get back to it next week. For this first week then - two rules only:

Drink lots of water

Practice portion control and try not to be too piggy.

Let's see how I get on with that!

As I'm still getting some regular readers on here, I just thought I'd point out that all the fun stuff about me has now transferred to my other blog www.corioboria.blog.co.uk and this page is going to be about my diet and fitness and all the boring stuff.

I'm a bit late coming on tonight. This is mainly because I used my precious evening computer time this evening for a bit more detailed surfing around and about my new 'condition'.

I must admit it was a really big shock to go into the clinic on Saturday, thinking that there was a 15 minute procedure that could give me 20/20 vision, and come out realising that not only was that not the case, and my eyes are going to need close monitoring and treatment by specialists for the rest of my life, but that I have a real 'condition' for which self help groups and charities exist, and whose most severe sufferers are registered disabled and wait around for transplants, unable to work or lead a meaningful life. For someone whose health has always been excellent, barring the usual range of minor ailments, this has rocked my world somewhat.

However further research and a few frantic posts on the self-help discussion forum later, I'm much reassured. The typical progression of this disease is that it stablises around age 40, which for me is next year. If, as I suspect, I've always had it, and 20 years after first wearing glasses I'm still able to see with them, then this is likely to be a very mild case, and hopefully I will not have to go through some of the horrors described by some of the other participants.

As one very helpful moderator on the site pointed out, there are many people who only have mild symptoms, but they don't hang around on the support forum - they get out and live their lives with no apparent problems. So the only stories you see on the forums are from people who are struggling. That was a great help as my first impression had been to freak out at all the horror stories.

So I'm somewhat reassured. I've booked to see my GP next week for a referral to the eye hospital, but I don't feel in any great panic any more.

On the subject of my stepfather, things are not looking so good. He has completely lost the ability to stand by himself and/or walk, and apparently was unable to tell the doctor when he had last walked (which considering it was only last Friday shows a considerable confusion).

Mum is bearing up quite well. She is enjoying the freedom from caring for him at the moment. She was talking about all the wonderful food that she could eat that he didn't like, and how she could watch what she wanted on the telly, at a normal volume. She's even been using his recliner chair, and says it's all luxury at the moment.

She seems to have steeled herself to the fact that he might be in there for several days or weeks, and is determined to enjoy herself while she can. But she avoided discussing the possibility that he might not come home at all, and I'm not at all sure how she will react if that proves to be the case.

From my perspective, the more days he lies around in a bed without getting up and walking, the less likely he is to be able to get back to it again, new medication or no new medication. I'm not a doctor, but it all looks a bit gloomy to me. And Mum certainly couldn't cope with him at home if he was a complete invalid - she's stretched to the limit looking after him as things stand.

So will those of you who pray, please say one for my mum and stepdad. I'm not sure I honestly know what result I'm praying for - all I really want is for my mum to be happy, however that can be achieved.

First of all my mum phoned to say my stepdad's been hospitalised. His Parkinson's took a turn for the worse and his legs froze rigid. Mum had to get an ambulance and even the paramedics had trouble moving him. Since he's been in hospital he seems to have become very confused and has had to wear incontinence pads as he can't seem to summon a nurse quickly enough.

Mum's enjoying the break, so she says, but from where I'm sitting the prognosis doesn't look too great.

Then yesterday afternoon, I plucked up the courage to visit a laser eye clinic, to see if I'd be suitable for treatment. It's something I've considered for years, as I hate my glasses and didn't get on with contacts on the two occasions I tried them.

The shocking news is, that not only am I not suitable for laser eye treatment, but I have a rare degenerative eye condition, which at its most serious might see me needing a cornea transplant later in life. This has completely freaked me out. Of course I've Googled the condition (keratoconus), and of course you see all of the worst case scenarios. I know it's possible to have a milder case, and I'm hoping and praying that this will be me, but I have to say that right now I'm terrified.

I'll be on the phone straight away tomorrow to try and find me an eye specialist (no more High St opticians for me). I'll keep you all posted as to how I get on.

First of all thanks to all those who came by and commented last night. It made me feel a lot better and I'm very glad I got the whole subject off my chest.

Today has been a day of trying to reconnect my life and put my house back together - after a week of serious illness followed by my mums visit, very little has been done around the place in weeks. I had a pile of paperwork about to take over my desk, and any number of phone messages, emails and other errands to catch up on.

None of this was helped by the fact that we had a really grotty day -the first of the late autumnal days with driving rain and horrid icy winds. So the children were cooped up indoors all day and slowly drove each other (and me) crazy.

My son would not go down for his afternoon nap for the fourth day in succession. That's partly because he didn't do any serious running about in the morning (and boy does my son need to run!), but I think I am also going to have to face the fact pretty soon that at nearly two, he's going to need these naps less and less frequently.

This is a bit of a disaster for me - I rely on his downtime each day to get my head straight and do any paperwork/admin stuff. If he doesn't go for a nap then I will have to do that during my evening office session - aka my blogging time. Oh well, only another 10 months till he goes to nursery!

But I did what I could and feel a bit more together now. I called a few local tradesmen and got started on some of the home improvement projects we are planning for the winter. I planned a new start for the diet (starting next week!) and did a healthy shop on the internet (supermarkets are very dangerous places for me).

Back to the gym tomorrow - and then on Sunday we have rescheduled one of the lunch dates that got cancelled on the disastrous weekend of two weeks ago.

Hello everyone, I'm back.

Mum went home today and we've all had a lovely time. Hopefully she'll come again soon.

Despite saying I'd stay away, I have been lurking around the blogs the past few nights. I just didn't comment as much because I was on quite late and didn't have time to linger.

But while I've been gone I've noticed that some of my 'friends' have dropped me from their blogs. I've also seen a few posts around the place about the purpose of 'friends' and the purpose of 'blogs'. This has got me fretting a bit , hoping that I haven't inadvertently offended anyone, so I thought I'd set out my position.

My sole purpose when I began this blog, was to chart my own journey in losing weight and becoming fit and fabulous, so that when I start my business persuading beginners to lose weight and start exercising, i would have my own inspirational story to draw on, with all its flaws and ups and downs. Hence the title of the blog and a certain bias towards health and fitness issues.

I intended the blog as just another part of my business website. But I had no idea how to set up a blog on my site (I've now found out I don't pay a high enough fee to my ISP to have a blog on my site), so I came to blog.co.uk to blog and just linked it to my site.

I've also never had a website before and I don't have a clue how to use it. I'm trying all kinds of things on it at the moment just to find out how they work. At some time next year probably this will be launched as a fully functioning business website and I'll be out there with the rest of the vultures touting for business - at the moment I'm just playing. Anyone who goes there right now and makes any comment at all is doing me a great favour, and you're all invited.

When I came to blog.co.uk I didn't really have a clue what I was up to. I was keeping a blog as a diary for me and my future clients and didn't really know what 'friends' were all about. Anyone who commented on my blog - I wnet and read their posts and started to realise that other people had 'friends'. And being a nice sociable person I wanted them too.

Slowly but surely over the past few months I've gained a few friends and found that the purpose of the blog has changed course a bit. I've 'met' a great group of people whose comments I greatly look forward to each evening. I can't even stay off when my mum comes to stay. There's a great group of people who are inspiring me, supporting me, and making me laugh (thanks Sussie, I really need adult humour sometimes). Some of my other friends are on their own inspirational journeys, and honestly doing a lot better than I am. I keep reading, hoping that soon I will receive the vital piece of inspiration that will set me on the path.

I've even rediscovered my French, after one of the French bloggers invited me as a friend recently. I've followed up some of his commmenters and am now attempting to say a few French words to a few French people which is doing me no end of good.

I read every one of my friends' posts - nearly all anyway. I love seeing what everyone is up to. I pick as friends, people whose blogs interest and inspire me - and those who are coming to comment on my own blog - I'm not just trying to get my numbers up.

So my 'fitness and health' blog has become a bit of a litany of my life, and a place to vent in the evenings. Mind you, if anyone does ask any advice in my new specialist subject of health and fitness I have no hesitation in offering my own two-penn'orth. I ask people to visit my website now and again as well - most recently to see my photos. Although there is stuff for sale on my site, which i am trialling (links to where I'm doing my own Christmas shopping!), I hope people are not referring to me when they say that some people are just bloggin cos they want to sell you something.

At some point in the future, I will launch a commercially minded blog on my own website, using some of the stuff I have been teaching myself these last few months. But I think I will still hang round here, even then, because I'm enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would, and I love the idea that I've got a group of friends around the world, some of whom I might like to meet at some point in the future - who can tell.

I don't suppose the people who have dropped me as friends will read this post. I'm not sure, reading it back myself whether it makes any sense at all. But it's done me good to explore my own concerns and motives, and now I will worry no more about my ex-friends and get on with the fun stuff.